So the first step in my series on Final Fantasy is to give you all a walkthrough with my comedic stylings (if you can call it comedic).
So in the beginning there is… a blue screen. Yes this blue screen is supposed to apply the back drop to the fate of humanity and the world in despair. The world is dying and instead of stopping their use of carbon emitting products, the people put thier faith into something more paper thin then the kyoto protocol to solve thier problems, a prophecy. Yes they put the fate of mankind into the hands of a vision that some old guy wearing a goofy hat developed all on his own.
The prophecy entailed was the involvement of four young adventurers will appear and save us all. Where they appear from, no one knows… I’d like to think they were four people from the different towns and cities on the world but since this game is lacking on anything that involves a direct story, then hey for all I know they could just have been living with a pack of wolves this whole time.
So they appear in the world outside of the most major city/kingdom, Corneria, with enough money to barely supply the travlers of Manifest Destiny and the whim that you have an idea as to where the hell you are supposed to go. Naturally being an RPG, you are supposed to talk to the random people in the town and castle. Ultimately the king explains his most “loyal” knight, Garland, kidnapped his daughter , princess Sarah, and fled to the Chaos Shrine/Temple. Anything involving the name Chaos, is sure to be fun filled and joyous, am I right?
So, after journeying north to the Shrine/Temple you are greeted by Garland, who surprisingly doesn’t look as “Christmassy” as his name sounds. Instead he looks like Satan’s little S & M buddy planning to ransom the princess back to the king. Why would anyone want to sell something they stole back to the person they stole it from?
They fight the most powerful knight in the king’s kingdom, the knight who slaughtered many of the kings soldiers, all just for the princess. And you know what the kicker is? He is killed by four children wielding the magic and swords they bought with whatever money they could scrape together.
After blacking out and waking up in the kings throne room, you talk to the king and princess you get two items which I’m sure people who read my rant about before, a lute and a bridge. Now what?
Well because I’m a genious when it comes to random guessing in these RPG’s, you must head east to a town called Provakka where the men are wussies and the women are VD ridden. This is all because of the Pirates in the town running wild.
The pirates, led by Bikke, are not of the Pirates of the Carribean kind, because once you talk to them, they’ll try to kill you instead of dancing a merry tromp around you. Bikke is even a bigger wussy because he forces his nine pirate mates to come forth and fight. These guys make the Imps you fought on the first Continent seem like Behemoths. Needless to say, you beat them and Bikke gives you one of the most worth while items in the whole game, at least until you get the airship. He gives you his boat, which will take you across the sea to Elfheim… I wonder what’s there.
So heading south, you arrive at the port north of elfheim where you hear that the prince has been zonked out by the evil Astos and nothing will wake him, not even when the prince’s loyal servant when he mounts him and… wait no that’s the porn I watched the other night. So you get the idea to wander around this dangerous continent and eventually you find the northern keep. Well you could just goto the Marshe Cave where you get the crown first, but you don’t get to hear the Ridiculus tale that the king there gives you about how his land and followers were killed by Astos and how the Crown will bring it back to it’s former glory… I somehow doubt it, but okay. Travel west to the Marshe Cave, where you fight the hardest monsters you will encounter so far, because they don’t tell you that sometimes the Muk or the Slime monsters are weak to magic and not susceptable to physical attacks. This in mind, your best bet is to run, unless you are ballsy enough to fight every monster you cross.
Run down a bunch of stairs and climb down rope ladders, you will eventually find the holding place of the crown guarded by a bunch of wizards, which these guys are nothing but a pain in the ass. Kill them and you get the Crown, but step on the square again, then you get to fight the wizards again. Leave the cave and then go to the Northern Keep again, give the crown to the king only to “SHOCKER” realize that the king was really Astos, which incidently thinks he can control the world with the crown and Matoya’s crystal Ball… Okay, this may be a game but I think this is strectching it way to much, how could a crown and a Crystal Ball be used to take over the world? This has to be one of the most plot’s an evil elf could come up with. Further more, how the hell could he take the Crystal Ball from a witch on the other side of the planet? I apparently have the only ship in the world, so that takes the theory of boarding a ship as a stowaway…
Fight Astos, while being careful of his only insta-kill attack and you get the Crystal Ball. Give the ball to Matoya, who is living in a cave on the north-eastern part of the second continent. She gives you a Herb, which you then give to the Prince who wakes up. The prince gives you a key, which will open any door, making you travel back to Corneria where there were two locked doors to begin with. Inside there is some TNT, which you are supposed to give to Derrickt… Who the hell is Derrickt and why the hell are you giving him any kind of explosive? So you are supposed to go North-West to the port, where you then get off the port. Then travelling west you’ll come to a cave. ENTER…
You are now in the Dwarves cave. With your TNT, give it to Derrickt who is in the southern most part of the cave. He’s trying to make a canal. So you give him the explosives and he blows up the canal. When this first happened, I thought water was going to rush in… no, nothing happens, in fact if you travel down to where he blew up the hole, there is nothing there. Fantastic.
Leave the cave (after stealing whatever you can in the cave. I love how these games allow you to steal from the citizens in the world) and you can now travel freely to the outer world. First stop Melmond where, after talking to the hicks, they apparently have been suffering an attack from a Vampire, stealing the health from the Earth. Okay, now this game is starting to fall into line with the opening blue screen of boringness.
Going west then south on to a peninsula, you will find the Cave of Earth. This Cave is going to test your mettle since unless your characters are beefy, the monsters here will eat you up and shit you out in five seconds flat. Going down the cave, and fighting more and more monsters, you eventually come across the vampire, who’s just standing there in his little room, like he’s working on something big. In reality, he’s just standing there guarding his Ruby. Fight him and you get the ruby in the treasure chest. Go out the side door and check out the plate on the ground. FORESHADOWING. So you leave the cave and hope that you have enough health to do so. Go Northwest to another cave, where a giant is. Apparently giants in this world loves to eat rocks, and ruby’s are the tastiest. Makes sense, if you did cocaine…
So you go and talk to some sage in another cave where he apparently foresaw you coming. If he foresaw this, then why couldn’t he have told me that I was going back into the cave of Earth. You travel back down going to the location of the vampire. Using the magic rod the sage gave you, break the plate that is on the ground. Continue downwards, you eventually fight the main cause of the Earth’s decay. It’s apparently the cause of a being called Lich.
Now in most nerdy fantasy books and other games, a lich is a being that attaches thier soul to something else, so when their physical body is destroyed, they can be easily resurrected. Way before Harry Potter and Voldemort did his little Soul Cruxes deal thing… there was the lich. Well this lich doesn’t follow the common rules, instead you just beat the living hell out of him.
Using a combination of Holy spells and FIRE, you will kill Lich like nothing. Just keep hitting him and he’s dead, no ressurection like it’s expected, just he dies and the Earth starts to be revitalized…. That was a no-brainer…
Part 2 to come soon.
Viktor's Entrance to INSANTIY! 
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