I’m the sort that isn’t trusting. Never have been never will be. The reason being is because when I trust someone, it always ends up that the person I trust often isn’t a very trust worthy person. As a result, I will give you a false identity about myself, or in theatrical terms, a Persona. The catch is that if I trust you I’m who I am and in my many forms then you are one of the few that can really see me.
Now, the reason why I write this is because I’m always being asked why I’m so angry all the time or why I have such a scowl on my face or so full of hate. The answer is simple, I do that because frankly I’d rather not get thrown into the great spectrum of Drama that seemingly always plagues this planet. If I want to talk to you then I’ll talk to you and be done with it. Thing is though, that no one wants to hear what I say and while my info could be fruitful, I’m always looked at as the lovable idiot. Heh… that’s another persona that is over used in my life and I always hate it. Think I enjoy being called Muff? Not really but since that’s all I’m really known by up here and as such, I let people call me it. If I really wanted to, I could start a campaign to get my name back to what it is, but why put up with something when people already know by that? Heh again another Persona of mine in full flux.
I guess that really didn’t answer the big question as to why I’m typing this up, which sounds like a confession when it’s not meant to be, or maybe it’s because I regret things that most people would regret and the little pangs of my humanity are still with me. Yes, I tend to dislocate myself from humanity because well let’s face it, all my life I’ve been on the outside acting as an observer and I’m detached from everyone else. Try roping me in and see what happens, most of my friends can vouch for the fact that I don’t do well in large groups.
I guess the reason why I write this is for what most males write about anything: a female. Hell, cliched as it may be, but frankly no one can break from the cliched truth’s of life and such. So be it, blame the women out there for being so cruel into making me wear these different faces but it happens. I don’t fear them, I just fear the games that they play on me. Apparently I can be a great guy but in the long run a great guy means nothing to them. I can recall every date in time when I was called a great guy and super nice and really amazing, but not once did it feel real or anything. It’s forced or sympathy or whatever. Still, I find it comical that you all think it’s doing me a benefit that you say I’m a nice guy, do any of you reflect it on to something or someone else?
I was educated last semester by an amazing teacher. His philosophy seemed like if you do something nice for a person, later in life he’ll return the favor onto someone else and create a cycle that in hopes of one man’s act of kindness will perpetuate through the generations. I like to think that’s the way it should work but it’s pure that it doesn’t, but I can’t knock it because it’s a logical believe and hope.
I guess now I have to explain my recent actions on those on facebook, why I deleted people and blocked and did what I did. My actions were plain and simple, I am jaded. I wore a face of genuine concern and I did have a faith in it that I was doing something good. But apparently that’s never good enough for anybody. So I hear things and rumors and stories and I absorb it all and realize that I’ve been a fool. To think I trusted people only to get slapped back in the face with a fist of reality, while not as strong as a SOUL PUNCH, it makes me bitter and jaded… I give up, unless you talk to me directly you wouldn’t get a real answer and I’d only hope that my persona doesn’t confuse you much more then it commonly does.
I’d say I’m sorry for some, but for others… and you know who you are because of the games after the fact you’ve been playing to make my life a living hell only prompts me to resent you even more, but those that I actually do still care about, I apologize. But since you don’t even care to discuss it with me, then this falls upon deaf ears. Better deaf then none in my book…
“It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.“
Viktor's Entrance to INSANTIY! 